46. Final goodbye 最后的告别 1986

{jcomments on}

In 1985 I received this letter from Di, telling me that Di visited Barbara's grave.

(to avoid confusion: Di calls me by my nickname Nod)

I remember being very upset for several weeks. My grief wasn't because I had hoped that someday we be together again. It was because the person I loved once, didnt live anymore. I was very surprised that I reacted like this. I never expected that the feeling was still so strong, after so many years.'

I always assumed that Barbara had found her happiness and everything was well with her. Barbara dying this young could only mean suicide. The thought that she had not the life I presumed she had, made me feel guilty and sadder.

Although the letter said that Barbara had become famous, there was no-one I knew who could tell me more about it. My friends in England didn't know about Barbara's fame. Asking Barbara's mother was no option for me. I didn't have any contact with any Chinese in Holland who could help me. And of course internet didn't exist then.

Early 1986 I went to see Di. She told me where Barbara's grave was. You can't miss it. I drove on my motorbike to the cemetery. The graveyard was very cold and windy; there was no one else there. I felt very uncomfortable.

Standing in front of the grave I thought 'so you finally did it, why didn't you contact me if you were so unhappy?'. I looked for other names on her grave. Names of children or a husband, but there weren't any. She must have been lonely. Sad that she never achieved what she wanted, a happy family. I was impressed by the heart shape gravestone. There were no flowers or other pictures except the portrait on the grave. I did think "some people loved you, making such a nice grave for you". But it seems that you are forgotten already (how wrong I was!).

I didn't go back to Barbara's grave till this year (2011).

Artikel published in de Daily Mail in England on the 3th of june 1985

1985年6月3日英格兰每日邮报的文章：

畏惧成功的明星
成千民众涌上街头目睹甜心电视明星Barbara翁美玲葬礼。但她的骨灰在她长大的剑桥的落土仪式只有她的家人出席。
Barbara在父亲去世后来到英国，三年前回到香港度假，并在她的故乡成为电视明星。悲剧发生在她26岁生日后一周，她在充满煤气的寓所内被发现。
她在剑桥的亲属们说成为明星的压力令她很抑郁。香港相关部门将进行死因调查。

最后的告别

1985年我收到了一封Di的信：

。。。
那么Nod (Di习惯称呼我的昵称Nod)，我有些不太好的消息要告诉你。也许你已经知道了，如果是那样的话，请你原谅我再次提起这件事。Barbara死了，我不清楚细节，只是知道她几年前去了香港，成了一位很有名气的演员。我也只是在地方报纸上看到一篇小文章才知道的。我和一个朋友一起去他祖母墓地，巧合的是，她的墓地紧邻Barbara的墓, 墓碑上有一张她的头像，所以我知道这是绝对不会弄错的。这是今年6月的事情了。

我希望你不要因为这个消息而难过。那时候我也不知所措，我觉得告诉你也没有什么意义，毕竟事情已经这样了。可是我一直不能停止挂念着这件事情，我想也许你是希望有人告诉你的，尽管也许对你来讲这已经不再是什么要紧的事了。我希望真的是这样，我不愿意让你难过伤心。

请原谅我用这么悲伤的话题结束这封信，希望你能尽快回信，让我知道你和你的家人的情况。

很多爱
Di

我记得自己好几周都非常难过。我的悲伤不是因为我曾经期望过我们还能在一起，我的悲伤是因为我曾经爱过的人已经永远离开了。我自己也很惊讶我会如此悲伤， 没有想到这么多年过去了，这种感觉还能如此强烈。

我一直以为Barbara找到了她的幸福，一切顺利。Barbara这么年轻就死了只可能是自杀。想到她并非我想象中那样拥有了幸福的生活，我觉得内疚，而且更加难过。尽管信里说她成名了，但当时没有人能够告诉我更多消息。我在英国的朋友不知道她的成名。我又不能去问她的母亲。即使荷兰的华裔可能可以帮助我，但那时我一个也不认识。当然那个年代互联网也还不存在。

1986年初我去看望了Di.她告诉我Barbara的墓地的地址，说容易找到。我开着摩托车去了墓园。那天的墓地里一个人也没有，非常冷，还刮着风。我觉得很不安。

站在她的墓前，我想，你终于这么做了。如果你不快乐的话，为什么不和我联系呢？我在她的墓碑上找名字，孩子或是丈夫的名字，但是没有。她一定经历了孤独和悲伤，她没能够获得她想要的东西:幸福的家庭。她的心型墓碑如此特别。没有鲜花，除了墓碑上的头像也没有其他的照片。我那时想，" 给了你如此特别的墓碑的人，一定深深爱过你。" 但似乎你已经被遗忘了。（现在我知道在这一点上我是完全错了。）

直至今年（文章写成的那年），我再也没有去过她的墓园。

(thanks to Natalie for the translation)