In 1983 I went for a few weeks to London to stay at a friend's house. Once in London I felt this urge to see Barbara. I hadn't heard of her since we broke up and I was curious how she was getting on. I had no idea what I was going to do if I would see her and deep down something told me that I shouldn't do this. There was a great chance that I be very emotional by seeing her, and then what? Anyway I couldn't resist this urge. First I went to Barbara's house on Belsize avenue. There they told me that Barbara didn't live there anymore and they couldn't tell me where she lived now.
Then I went to the art college. It was summer break and there were no students. I was allowed to have a look around; one of the teachers recognized me. She was very kind and helpful. She told me that Barbara was a hard worker and was very good in the techniques but she was not very creative. That is why she didn't get a high degree. She also told me that she knew that Barbara was working as an assistant designer at an art studio in London. I can't remember the name of this studio. When I called them, they told me that Barbara wasn't working there anymore. They couldn't (or wouldn't) tell me where Barbara was working now.
There were no places in London where I could go to continue my search. So far I knew Barbara didn't have any friends in London (this reminded me again how lonely Barbara must have been in London).
The only thing left was to go the Fish and Chip in Histon. But I was certain that Barbara's family were never going to tell me where Barbara was. Also I was sure that they were also not going to pass a message if I left one for Barbara. Therefore this didn't seem like a sensible option. It seemed hat Barbara found a new place to live and had a new job. So I decided that she must be doing well and that she was happy now. (Which she probably was at that time). I let it go and stopped my search.
I had been in London for few days a year earlier, in the summer of 1982. I was doing a tour through England visiting my college friends throughout the country. Staying at their place for a few days, reminiscing the good old times at the university. I did seriously consider writing a letter to Barbara, asking her if I could stay at her place. But finally I decided not to do it. I was afraid I would fall in love again, wanting to stay with Barbara and then get homesick again (I was happy with my life in Holland and I didn't want to live in England). Basically I would be messing up my life and probably that of Barbara too. Looking back now, not keeping in contact, being afraid to interfere with each other lifes must have been the biggest mistake we made.
In 1984 I lived in London for a short while (a different love story). During that time I didn't go looking for Barbara again, I had closed this chapter of my life. The sour thing was that Kings college had no objection in me using their facilities for my study during that stay in London. The same college who had rejected my application in 1978 and thereby making Barbara's and my life a so much more difficult.
I found out now that in 1983 Barbara was in Holland doing a show. So far I know she didn't try to contact me at that time. I guess she had closed this chapter by then as well.
1983年我去伦敦在朋友家里住了几个星期。一到伦敦，我有种想看看Barbara的冲动。 自从我们分手我就没有她的消息，我很好奇她过得怎么样。我也不知道我见到她会做什么，但是内心深处的某个东西告诉我我不能够那么做。很有可能我又会变得很感情用事,那然后又能怎样呢？无论如何我没能抑制这种冲动。我首先去了Barbara贝尔塞斯街( Belsize avenue)的家。人们告诉我她已经不住那里了，他们也说不清她住在那儿。
1984年我也在伦敦住过一段（另一个"爱"的故事 ）。我没有再找过Barbara. 我已经翻过了我人生的那一章。 我那时待在国王学院（Kings college），他们没有介意我在那里利用他们的设施学习，可气的是就是这所学校在1978年拒绝了我的入学申请，我和Barbara的生活也由此变得更加困难。
(thanks to Natalie for the translation)
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