16. More worries (1977)

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One day Barbara told me that she missed a period. Our friends said not to worry, it often happens at that age. Then Barbara missed the following period. We didn't feel very comfortable with this.

Those days you couldn't get a pregnancy test from the supermarket. You had to make an appointment by the doctor. Barbara didn't want to do that. She was afraid that her mother would find out. She told me all kinds of horror stories about what Chinese parents do when they find out that their daughter isn't innocent anymore. She would be the shame of the family and who knows what would happen then. But Barbara missed the following period as well. Now we got really worried. It was time for us to consider the alternatives. For Barbara there was only one option. She said: "If I am pregnant I am going to have this baby, no discussion". And she made something else clear as well, 'If you leave me now, I will certainly kill you!' When she said this she looked at me with such an aggression in her big black eyes, that I am sure she meant it.

First we had to be sure that Barbara was pregnant. Luckily the school nurse was a good friend of my parents. We could trust her that she would not contact Barbara's mother. She also tried to comfort us by saying that it often happens that girls miss periods, especially when they living in a stressful environment.

She arranged for us a doctor who would do a pregnancy test and keep it secret. When we went to this doctor to hear the results of the test, the waiting room was full. One of my classmates was sitting there as well. I started talking to her which really annoyed Barbara, she had hoped that this visit could have been kept secret. What didn't help was that this classmate immediately asked me if Barbara was pregnant (she was a gossiping type of girl). I asked her why she asked, she said 'why would you else come both to see the doctor'.

When we stepped in de doctors office and sat down Barbara had such a beautiful expression on her face, I can still remember it well. It was a mixture of intens strain compared with kind of absent mindedness nearly dreaming.
Barbara wasn't pregnant. She was disappointed. Pregnance would have forced such a major decision in her relation with her family. Her family would have to accept me or expel her. But she was also realistic enough to know that having a child was something we both didn't want at that time.

16.忧虑重重
有一天美玲告诉找她少了一个经期。我们的朋友说这不用担心,因为在这个年龄常常发生。然后美玲又少了一个经期。我们对此有些不安。
那时候,你需要预约医生做孕检。美玲不想这样做,她害怕她妈妈会发现。她告诉我许多关于中国父母发现他们的女儿不再纯洁时会做的事的恐怖故事。她会成为家族的耻辱，然后谁知道会发生什么。然后美玲又错过了下一个经期,现在我们开始担忧。我们该考虑后备之策了。对美玲来说,她只有一个选择。她说:“如果我
怀孕了,我要生下这个孩子,不容商量!”她也将其他事情说明自:“”如果你要现在离开我，我一定会杀了你!”说这话时,她黑色的大眼睛充满攻击性地看着我,让我觉得她是认真的。
首先我们需要确定美玲怀孕了。幸运的是,学校的护士是我父母的一个好朋友，我们可以相信她不会联系美玲的妈妈。她也试着安慰我们说女孩少经期很常见，尤其是在她们压力很大时。
她给我们安排了一个可以为我们做孕检又将之保密的医生。当我们去看结果时，等候的人很多,我的一个同学也在那儿。我开始与她说话,这让美玲很恼火,她说她希这可以被保密。不可避免地,我的同学立即问我美玲是不是怀孕了。
（她是那种喜欢说闲话的女生),我问她为什么要问这个,地说:“要不然你们为什么要一起来见医生呢。”
当我们走进医生的办公室然后坐下来时,美玲的表情如此美丽,我现在仍旧对此记忆如新。那是一种紧张的神色,夹杂着像在做梦般的心不在焉。
美玲没有怀孕。她很失望。怀孕将会迫使她的家庭作出决择。她的家庭将不得不接纳我,或是赶走她。但她也很现实,她知道在那个时候,一个孩子是我们都不想要的。

(thanks to Zhuoye for the translation)