In 1985 I received this letter from Di, telling me that Di visited Barbara's grave.
(to avoid confusion: Di calls me by my nickname Nod)
I remember being very upset for several weeks. My grief wasn't because I had hoped that someday we be together again. It was because the person I loved once, didnt live anymore. I was very surprised that I reacted like this. I never expected that the feeling was still so strong, after so many years.'
I always assumed that Barbara had found her happiness and everything was well with her. Barbara dying this young could only mean suicide. The thought that she had not the life I presumed she had, made me feel guilty and sadder.
Although the letter said that Barbara had become famous, there was no-one I knew who could tell me more about it. My friends in England didn't know about Barbara's fame. Asking Barbara's mother was no option for me. I didn't have any contact with any Chinese in Holland who could help me. And of course internet didn't exist then.
Early 1986 I went to see Di. She told me where Barbara's grave was. You can't miss it. I drove on my motorbike to the cemetery. The graveyard was very cold and windy; there was no one else there. I felt very uncomfortable.
Standing in front of the grave I thought 'so you finally did it, why didn't you contact me if you were so unhappy?'. I looked for other names on her grave. Names of children or a husband, but there weren't any. She must have been lonely. Sad that she never achieved what she wanted, a happy family. I was impressed by the heart shape gravestone. There were no flowers or other pictures except the portrait on the grave. I did think "some people loved you, making such a nice grave for you". But it seems that you are forgotten already (how wrong I was!).
I didn't go back to Barbara's grave till this year (2011).
Artikel published in de Daily Mail in England on the 3th of june 1985
那么Nod (Di习惯称呼我的昵称Nod)，我有些不太好的消息要告诉你。也许你已经知道了，如果是那样的话，请你原谅我再次提起这件事。Barbara死了，我不清楚细节，只是知道她几年前去了香港，成了一位很有名气的演员。我也只是在地方报纸上看到一篇小文章才知道的。我和一个朋友一起去他祖母墓地，巧合的是，她的墓地紧邻Barbara的墓, 墓碑上有一张她的头像，所以我知道这是绝对不会弄错的。这是今年6月的事情了。
站在她的墓前，我想，你终于这么做了。如果你不快乐的话，为什么不和我联系呢？我在她的墓碑上找名字，孩子或是丈夫的名字，但是没有。她一定经历了孤独和悲伤，她没能够获得她想要的东西:幸福的家庭。她的心型墓碑如此特别。没有鲜花，除了墓碑上的头像也没有其他的照片。我那时想，" 给了你如此特别的墓碑的人，一定深深爱过你。" 但似乎你已经被遗忘了。（现在我知道在这一点上我是完全错了。）
(thanks to Natalie for the translation)
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